This is a thread that I'm following with interest. I got engaged last August to someone who I have known for 8 years, and who has been my best friend and lover for 4 of those. A couple of weeks ago we split up. We are living in different countries while I am studying, and the distance thing was too great - we weren't able to maintain the emotional closeness that we always had. I know that I'm young (26) but at the time when I agreed to marry him I had no doubt that I wanted to get married to this person. I have no regrets about getting engaged. I moved to England a year and a half ago, and I've changed a lot since then. I moved to a place where I knew no one, chucked in a good job to follow research I loved, and worked on the basis that "love would probably find a way". I had a couple of really bad months before Christmas where everything seemed to be going wrong - friends, work, relationship - and I slid into a bit of a downer. I reevaluated everything and realised I was miserable being apart from this guy, but as much as I love(d) him, I wasn't giving up the chance to do this work in this place that I love; nor did I want him to give up a very promising career back home, and one that makes him happy. Either of us giving up things for the other could only have led to resentment and guilt in the longterm. The decision to part was as mutual as it can be - we talked and talked and dealt with it logically, possibly because my emotions were so exhausted at the time.

Anyway - my point in relation to this thread. A friend summed it up nicely when she said "There's no such thing as the right person, just the right person for the right time." What surprises me now is that in the space of a few weeks (or okay, maybe a little longer) I have completely changed my views on marriage - I find it hard to believe I ever wanted to get married, although I firmly agreed with it at the time. Now I also realise that my own personal opinions that I've held for ages are coming back. One of those is my attitude of emotional vs. physical intimacy. I've been getting emotionally close to someone here, someone who is very similar-minded. I don't think you can control who you get on with, or how you connect with someone, but to me this mental link is the most important thing - the likeminded spark that fires me up. Anyway, me getting on well with this other guy - despite there being nothing "dodgy" going on, so to speak, was also a problem because I was turning to someone other than my fiance when things were tough and I needed a shoulder to cry on (or bitch to). A few people have talked about this sort of thing in the posts above. One of the things I share in common with this guy is our attitude to morals (i.e. the only important one is to treat people as you would like to be treated, and to hell what others think) and to relationships (if you've an emotional connection with someone then the physical stuff is the icing on the cake; sexual fidelity shouldn't be a compulsory thing - why can't you occasionally act on chemistry if you're open, honest, aware of your partner's feelings and above all safe). Anyway, forgive me if I sound like a New Age textbook, but it's been refreshing to know that although most of my friends are aghast at such ideas ("What? Go against conventional monogamy? Shock and horror!!") there are other people who share them. Each to their own. Horses for courses. Whatever floats yer boat and whatever wheels yer turf. Maybe someday I will get indeed get married, but I don't think I'll ever do so on the terms of a promise of unwavering monogamy. Choosing to be monogamous is something I would find easier (and better) to do than "enforced" monogamy. There is no accounting for time. I'm getting back to being me.
And finally, that's the best bit about this place. It delights me when I read a thread here and think yeah.